Feeling fierce!

And so it is that another week draws to a close and another weekend arrives to ruin television and make the high street too crowded to want to bother going shopping at all. But....there's that cool, crisp note in the air; the fresh scent of my least favourite season, giving way to one of my favourite times of year: Autumn has arrived! I really do get excited when Summer turns to Autumn. People think I'm weird because I'm sort of backwards when it comes to seasons and temperatures. I hate summer and the sickly, sultry warm weather that it brings. I hate the intrusiveness of bright sunshine that just seems to turn up uninvited and invade your living space, your sleeping patterns, your privacy. No, I prefer the colder climate that Autumn and Winter bring along. The days that get shorter and the nights that get longer. I love the feeling of cold air stinging in my lungs and being legitimately able to wear a big warm winter coat.

I love sitting in a coffee house with a steaming beverage whilst torrential rain beats a tattoo on the roof and the street outside. Or curling up on the sofa with a loved one, watching a DVD and snoogling beneath the duvet for warmth, comfort and closeness. I love Halloween parties and the countdown to Christmas; leaving work in the inky blanket of blackness that swirls around you like a comforter. Autumn and Winter are cosy. They are mysterious. They are inspiring and they are the times I find myself most motivated to work on my writing.

I'm not even kidding when I say that I actually get excited come the 21st June, when the longest day passes and after that comes the guarantee of every single day in the next six months getting shorter and shorter. September brings with it the promise of new starts. Of freshly made commitments to study well and behave better in this years class. I'm 33 years old and I still associate September with the beginning of a new term and find myself inexplicably drawn to the stores selling stationery and school supplies as my inner scribbler hunts for tools that will help me hone my craft. I always feel a sense of renewed energy, a vitality, a desire to reconnect to my goals and aspirations. 

Today as the weather forecast warned of gale force winds hitting the North East of the UK, that familiar tingling began in my spine. Time to relax and enjoy the next six months. The other half accepted our invite to the Halloween party we'll be going to this year and once again the desire to seek out spooky books and embrace the supernatural sensations this time of year brings with it. I'm not in any way a believer in anything ghostly or supernatural. I don't believe in anything other than empirically proven scientific research. I'm a confirmed atheist and I have no 'spiritual' beliefs whatsoever. But I do love a good ghost or horror story. And I like to embrace some of the pagan heritage that still lingers on in the area in which I live. A bit of witchcraft around this time of year is an interesting titillation; something that makes me almost wish that it was real; that we did live in a world with a curiously fascinating 'other side'. 

I know. That probably all sounds a bit mad. But we all have our own little interests and idiosyncrasies. Everyone likes different stuff, different seasons and ways to enjoy their favourite time of year. This just happens to be my favourite time of year and I intend to enjoy it. Even if I do have to forgo the regular indulgence of a Costa Hot Chocolate with marshmallows and cream at the moment.

I guess I really should get onto the subject of diet though, seeing as how that's the main purpose of this blog - to account for and be accountable to my decision to lose weight. Well, yesterday was a good day. I managed to make it all the way through the day on nothing but a coffee and lots of water, culminating in my consuming a Slim Fast Rich Chocolate Shake for dinner at around 8.00pm. The coffee was 51 calories and the shake was 230 calories, so yesterday came in at a thoroughly respectable 281 calories for the day. 

Today has been pretty good too. A black coffee at breakfast time which contained 22 calories, 3 of himself's Sports Mixtures sweets (at 16 calories each that made 48 calories altogether) and a Cadbury's Freddo Bar at 95 calories. So today has amounted to a pretty non-eventful 165 calories for the whole day. I'm really quite proud of how well I've been doing. Had to ignore a few hunger pangs today and swallow a few of them down with a couple of gulps of water, but the willpower remains as strong as I need it to. 

I'm just wondering how I'm going to get on with my 'cheat day' tomorrow. The boyf (it sounds too weird calling him my fiance!) is working, even though it's a Saturday to make sure that the site is safe, secured and not exposed when the stormy weather comes in on Sunday. On his way home he's declared that he will be swinging by McDonald's to sample the latest Australian Barbecue special and naturally, will be picking me up my favourite Plain Quarter-pounder With Cheese And No Goop! I definitely deserve a day of being bad, after having been mostly good of late. I purged all the pizza I ate a few days ago (properly made sure it was all gone by rinsing my stomach out with about 5 pint glasses of water drunk between purges to make sure everything came back up!) and every other day has seen my calorie count fall way below 500. I just don't know if my appetite or my stomach will be up for the challenge, after so many days existing on so little. 

Then of course, there is also the worry that if I do manage to eat it all, my appetite will come back with a vengeance the next day. But if that does happen I will just have to get back to being good again. Hunger hurts, but starving works, right? I'm a big girl (literally, unfortunately) and I can conquer hunger pangs. I am the master of my own body and brain after all. I think the fact that I actually allow myself days off to have a little binge on the forbidden fruits of fast foods now and then, helps assuage the need to binge or cave in to cravings on other days. I'm not ever telling myself I can't have those foods anymore, just that they are to be considered a treat on a 'cheat day' when I've been good enough to see the scale move down and my smile turn up. Plus the fact that I'm allowed/supposed to eat chocolate every day on this diet, means that I never get the urge to go mad and binge on sweet stuff. I'm playing games with my own mind to make sure it doesn't ever feel like it's being forced into some permanent kind of ban on all things naughty. Because everybody knows that the minute you tell yourself you're not allowed something and that you have to give it up, you instantly start craving it as your mind struggles to deal with the prospect of never again tasting it on your lips.

Controlled, allowed, occasional indulgences combined with a daily prescription for chocolate, should hopefully help me to stay this path and remain disciplined and virtuous on those days when I'm supposed to be restricting. I've got a long way to go so I'm going to need to have strategies in place to make this journey doable and make maintenance possible. Getting the first stone down and done and out of the way is a good first step and an indication of how I can do anything I want if I just put my mind to it. 

I think that's a good and positive note to end on for today. It's almost 3.00am and I promised the other half I'd get up with him and make him breakfast before he goes to work, like a good little 1950's housewife! So it's about time I got to bed and got some sleep. To any and all of you who might be reading this, I wish you goodnight and sweet dreams. 

Till next time

x