I'm going slightly mad...

Hi again my fellow Starvin'-Marvins!

How are we all keeping? Restricting and showing restraint like good little dieters? I hope so. I've been pretty strict and stringent with myself (save for one day off where I got to eat like a pig, but that's part of the plan of the diet anyway, so it's all good.) I have however, despite my days of eating under 1000 calories, been freaking out thinking that I've actually GAINED weight, not lost it, when I know that's just not logical. Maybe it was something to do with me having had my period for the past four days. That can make me feel like a total bloat, so it's kind of understandable. But I'm just so totally paranoid that all my hard work will go unrewarded, it's making me want to restrict even more. It doesn't help that I have no accurate scales to monitor my own progress either. I know I said I'd wait until I had my next doctors appointment but it's driving me crazy not knowing. 

Part of me wants to go and use the weighing machine in Boots in town in my lunch hour, but that too is fraught with problems. Firstly there's the annoying issue of me not knowing how accurate the scales in there are compared to the ones my doctor used, so I can't be sure of me getting a useful reading. Secondly, I hate the thought of being seen getting on those dreaded scales in a public place where anyone could see me. I don't want anyone to see that I'm even remotely concerned about my weight because then they'll have something to use against me. Life's little bitches would love to know just how much I despise myself and how desperately I want to lose weight. They would happily sit and smirk and giggle and gossip behind their hands, delighting in the knowledge that I'm not quite as confident, assertive and assured as I'd like them all to think. And I cannot stand the idea of anyone getting one over on me.

No, I'll just have to wait until I get to see the doctor next week and cross my fingers that I've lost some weight. 

I know that being 3.00 am it's technically Wednesday, but it's sort of still the same day as yesterday because I haven't been to bed yet. I'll just give a quick recap of what I've had to eat today so that you can all have a look and see if you think I'm eating too much (all comments are welcome by the way, dear readers!):

Breakfast - 281 Calories

Cup of coffee with semi skimmed milk and one sugar - 51 calories

Slim Fast premixed bottled shake - 230 calories

Dinner - 423 Calories

One Ryvita Cracker - 35 calories

2 Pickled Baby Beetroot - 26 calories

100g of cottage cheese - 104 calories

Can of tuna fish in brine (drained) - 140 calories

Pot of Activia Intensely Creamy cherry yoghurt - 118 calories

Snacks - 275 Calories

Sugar free caffeinated energy drink - 13 calories

Raspberry and grapefruit flavoured still water - 6 calories

Skinny Dairy Milk bar (22g) - 110 calories

Cup of coffee with semi skimmed milk and one sugar - 51 calories

Wispa Bites ( 5 pieces) - 95 calories

 Total of items consumed today - 979 calories

Hmm....whaddaya think? Just scraped in under the maximum 1000 calorie limit, and got to have my chocolate with a cup of coffee at the end of the day which is always good; something to look forward to. Dinner was a pretty balanced affair: tuna for protein, beets for fibre and vitamins, cottage cheese for calcium and Vit D, Ryvita for fibre and slow release carbs and yoghurt again for calcium, vitamin D and a little bit of fruit. I'm not really hungry eating this way now so my stomach must be getting used to the considerably smaller portions, but I'm kinda missing the hunger pangs because they're just such a powerful feeling of being in control. Maybe when I move along to the next phase of my diet, where I have to restrict the calorie amount still further, they'll creep back in and remind me what it feels like to have hunger - whilst not being at the mercy of it. 

I really like the Slim Fast shakes that I've been using to replace breakfast or lunch this past week. At 230 calories a bottle and fortified with vitamins and minerals I think they're a great way to just get a meal time out of the way without having to put any effort into preparing or cooking anything. I hate cooking. I feel hard done by just boiling a kettle to make a Cup-A-Soup. I like ready to eat packs of roast chicken, fruit, yoghurts, chocolate and these shakes. I know the proper Slim Fast plan says to have a shake for breakfast, a shake or a soup for lunch, a couple of their bars or other products for snacks and a 600 calorie main meal, but I'm really not following their plan; just using their shakes for times when I seriously cannot be arsed to assemble anything else. I've only tried the chocolate and cafe au lait ones so far and really like the way they taste. Keep them in the fridge and drink them with a straw to get the best out of them - they taste better chilled and last longer when sipped through a straw. At just over £6.00 for a pack of 6 bottles, that's 6 meals taken care of and all for the princely sum of just £1.00 per meal, which I think is a bargain.

Has anyone else used the Slim Fast products before? If so what do you think of them? I know that a lot of people who have followed the whole Slim Fast plan in the past, have lost of ton of weight really quickly but then put it all back on again as soon as they came off of it, but I'm not really planning on going back to eating like a fucking pig again once I've reached a goal weight. I plan to just adjust the calorie amounts over time, tinkering with the numbers to see what number will allow me to maintain my weight, whilst still keeping track of everything and supplementing my real food intake with the Slim Fast shakes. I will still be able to eat chocolate every day - providing it's counted in to my daily calorie allowance - and of course, there will still be planned 'blow out' days where I get to eat whatever I want every once in a while, so I won't be giving up McDonalds, KFC or pizza for good - heaven forbid!

I'm still easily consuming up to 4 litres of water every day too, which does keep the stomach full and I think has helped make a marked improvement in my skin which appears clearer and much more hydrated of late. And of course there are my daily vitamin supplements which I also have to take to make sure I'm not missing out on anything. I take the Perfectil Skin, Hair & Nails Plus supplement, Osteocare, Cod Liver Oil, Evening Primrose Oil, Starflower oil and Imedeen Skin Supplement every day, washed down with a Berocca. I'm pretty sure I'm getting everything I need from all that. That reminds  me actually. I have to go and take today's dose of vitamins right now before I forget. It's just gone 3.05 am and I'm going to be staying up through the night so that I can be up to get my fiance out of bed for 6.30 am and make him some coffee and porridge before he heads out to work. I've already made his sandwiches and sorted out his packed lunch, so I think I'll use these next few hours to seek out some documentaries online about diet and eating disorders to help keep me motivated.

Till next time...

x