And So To Bread...

Okay, so it's lunchtime on a Tuesday afternoon. I'm home alone and having just read through an incredibly triggering blog, I've found myself, kind of on autopilot, planning a binge/purge session with an alarming velocity.

In my head I found myself mentally going through the contents of our cupboards and fridge/freezer. What did I want to eat? Soup? No, not filling enough. Chips? No too bland. What I really wanted was a KFC, but with no money and no way to go out and get one, I had to settle for the next best thing: two Birds Eye Chicken Breast Fillet Pieces on one of those baguettes that are part baked and take 10 mins to bake completely, slathered in spicy KFC mayonnaise (which we brought home the last time we were in there). Before I knew it, the food was in the oven and I was rifling through the rest of the house trying to chuck whatever I could find down my throat, prior to my chicken sandwich.

So far, I've had a weird popping candy covered ice cream lolly thing (75 calories) a packet of Wotsits (96 calories) a packet of orange & sultana Go Ahead snack bars (150 calories) all washed down with lots of water. I'm making my stomach ready for the necessary evacuation that will take place as soon as this chicken sandwich has cooked and slid down my oesophagus into my greedy gullet. It will stay there for less than a minute as I throw back even more water to soften the bread which will undoubtedly expand. It won't be a pleasant purge, maybe even a little painful. But I'm home alone, so the only witnesses to my food crime will be the cats and they're both asleep somewhere in the apartment. 

I've still to eat that chicken sandwich yet my stomach is already churning in anticipation of the eminent purging session. It knows not to try and hold onto that which I have already consumed. It is ready to evacuate its contents, yet it hasn't quite suffered the whole punishment it's about to receive.

I'm excited, nervous, anxious, hungry, nauseated, tired, annoyed and resigned to the decision I don't even remember making to do this. I just need to get it eaten, get it back up agan and get it all over with. Then I can rinse my insides out with litres of water, leave myself feeling clean and empty once more, as that familiar calm washes over me once more.

The things we do to ourselves in the name of vanity.

*****

It's done.

Why did I do it? Did I enjoy it? Did I savour the taste of each morsel of food that passed by my lips? Did the flavours satisfy some deep, dark longing for a particular taste sensation? Was it really an appetite that needed to be sated, or just an urge, like a burning itch under my skin that I needed to scratch? If I'm honest, I can't actually remember much about the way any of it tasted - merely the wave of fullness and nausea that washed over me, the second I swallowed down the final bite. I remember the way my swollen stomach bulged even more as I chugged back a litre of water, causing the bread to expand in my already groaning gut.

The purging was actually more pleasant than the bingeing, believe it or not. I garnered no pleasure from the act of consuming the food, but there was a violent, yet euphoric sense of redemption felt, with each satisfactory heave from my gullet.  Now that it's all gone and I sit here feeling empty, clean and calm once more, it's hard to say whether or not any of it was worth the time and effort, but as many of you will know, sometimes these compulsions just need to be acted on, then and there, or they'll plague your every waking thought until you eventually cave in and succumb. I knew if I tried to ignore the thoughts whirling through my mind, they wouldn't relent and I'd be plagued with them all day, unable to concentrate on anything else. Better to get it done and over with so I could carry on with doing whatever I needed to do.

And so it is that I now sit here feeling quite calm and serene. As if none of it ever happened. My heart has stopped racing, my thoughts have stopped whirling and I feel able to go about the rest of my day feeling quite content.

I'm sorry if this post has been triggering for some of you - I just felt the urge to get it all out of my mind and down in words. I'm sure a lot of you can sympathise or at the very least understand what I was going through.

Till next time

x